Storms

I guess you have to weather a certain number of storms before you can recognize clarity. The week has taken a toll on me, but not for the reasons it has been wearing me down this last month. The toll is self inflicted. I've pushed myself up and over several major hurdles on my training schedule but not without some sacrifices. This evening I find myself weighing up the benefits against the price and evaluating where I am TODAY.

Physically, I'm drained but as always my mind rarely ceases to race. My run today was plagued by "letter writing." I prefer to get lost in my music on a long run, escape is the whole point but once in a while I find myself writing virtual letters in my mind. Purging thoughts or maybe even being so petty as to get the imaginary last word in. There was little point in fighting it so I wrote a good long one but for the first time I realized my tone had softened. Is this good? The bitterness was gone from this letter and instead it was one of acceptance. Have I really accepted that he is nothing more than what he is? Do I just FINALLY not care anymore or have I expended too much energy on my physical pursuits to revel in the pain? The desire to lash out, childish and counterproductive as it may have been, has been primary but now I don't seem to want to invest the energy in it.

I suppose the beauty of it, though I hate admitting it, is that I am learning. I see patterns now, his and mine. Inescapable patterns which could have lead nowhere else but to destruction. I cannot help but wonder if this was the best of possible ends to this scenario. Sick and distasteful though it may have been, a necessary evil none the less.

I'm checking out tonite. I pray for a deep and dreamless sleep as tomorrow, I have much on the agenda. If this week was exhausting, the one to come will be crippling.