Morning Run

What in the world do people who don't run do with themselves when they have emotional energy to burn off? I was once one of those people but I have no clue how I kept from going insane (maybe I didn't lol). I've managed to act by doing nothing, which has been exceedingly difficult. I had a dream the other night which kind of re-focused things for me. I dreamed he came back into my life and for the first time I had to decide where to place the things that are in my life NOW. Things that didn't mesh with him. It was a slap in the face and an eye opener. The simple fact is that there is no place in my life for him anymore. Of course, people make room in their lives for significant others every day but he is no longer significant.

Friendship? Is that what he hoped to obtain from me? A friend is someone you trust, someone you believe in and who believes in you. Someone you can count on and know that they will be there for you no matter what. They are honest with you, even when honesty may hurt you. He is none of these things to me and never can be. Friendship is not a relationship open to us. His only motive could be based in either morbid curiosity or possibly some other revelation he feels the need to divulge. My life and its contents is no longer any business of his and I have no interest in any more "information" on the events taking place in his very messed up life. I am busy trying to organize my own demons, his problems are not mine. God knows I hear enough gossip to entertain even the most bizarre of tabloid readers. Frankly, he has no friends, only people who are entertained by his antics and enjoy the stupidity of them simply for their sheer assininity.

I got a morning run in. Not much of a morning person and all the mp3's were dead of charge so it was new on more than one level but well worth it. Martial arts left me a little sore in the upper body today and driving my legs was refreshing. Tonite I have some cross training planned with a friend. We tend to push each other beyond the limits and I am looking forward to it. I anticipate I will be quite sore tomorrow. I'm training for more than just races. I'm training for the fortitude to let go of things which I clung to with a vengence. Every day I let go of it a little more. One day I will let go of it completely and watch as it crashes mercilessly into the ravine, unsalvagable and forgotten. I look forward to the day when the only manner in which I can recall the feelings this has brought out in me is by re-reading the old posts on this blog. The day when I could read them, detached, and wonder how I could have ever been so low and thank God that I had the strength to rise.

The Trouble With Threes

The old saying trouble comes in threes sure seems to fit right now. It seems like everything I undertake as far as moving forward works in a cycle of three. I bounce, get stronger and get slapped again. I am constantly tested on my resolve. Every time that I move forward something is thrown in the way that makes me re-evaluate whether or not I've moved at all.

The silence was broken today. Only via a whipser, but the contact was made and the ball dropped in my court as to what to do next. Me being me, I almost always have something to say but is it productive? What is the point of venting all of this AGAIN? If I keep my mouth shut does it prove anything? Is that just a way of bottling things up that will bite me in the ass later? If I take the door, which is now knocked ajar and open it does it make me weak or will it bring me peace I've never gotten from this whole mess? I think not. I think it will only drag me backward again. Curiosity can be a dangerous thing and I think the test for me this week is to avoid giving in to that curiosity. Nothing positive can come from communication with a known liar and in my own foolishness, the one horrible consequence could actually be that I might be stupid enough to believe AGAIN. Not a risk I can afford to take.

My future cannot include people who cannot be trusted. There is no room in my present for them either. Each day, the best I can hope for, is for my final sumation of the days events to be actions and reactions which I am proud of. To have been a good friend. To have been a good Mom. I do not believe any feelings of value or self worth can come from communication with someone who has forced me to re-evaluate three years of actions and reactions I can NEVER be proud of. Perhaps, if I can climb this hurdle I can really move forward. My run awaits.....

Storms

I guess you have to weather a certain number of storms before you can recognize clarity. The week has taken a toll on me, but not for the reasons it has been wearing me down this last month. The toll is self inflicted. I've pushed myself up and over several major hurdles on my training schedule but not without some sacrifices. This evening I find myself weighing up the benefits against the price and evaluating where I am TODAY.

Physically, I'm drained but as always my mind rarely ceases to race. My run today was plagued by "letter writing." I prefer to get lost in my music on a long run, escape is the whole point but once in a while I find myself writing virtual letters in my mind. Purging thoughts or maybe even being so petty as to get the imaginary last word in. There was little point in fighting it so I wrote a good long one but for the first time I realized my tone had softened. Is this good? The bitterness was gone from this letter and instead it was one of acceptance. Have I really accepted that he is nothing more than what he is? Do I just FINALLY not care anymore or have I expended too much energy on my physical pursuits to revel in the pain? The desire to lash out, childish and counterproductive as it may have been, has been primary but now I don't seem to want to invest the energy in it.

I suppose the beauty of it, though I hate admitting it, is that I am learning. I see patterns now, his and mine. Inescapable patterns which could have lead nowhere else but to destruction. I cannot help but wonder if this was the best of possible ends to this scenario. Sick and distasteful though it may have been, a necessary evil none the less.

I'm checking out tonite. I pray for a deep and dreamless sleep as tomorrow, I have much on the agenda. If this week was exhausting, the one to come will be crippling.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Yesterday was brilliant! I managed a 5 mile run, 7 miles on the bike, got my lawn mowed and went to class. I was marginally sore today, mostly due to my efforts during class as opposed to the other endeavors but it was a "good sore." The kind that makes you feel like you've done something. It was good to roll out of bed and conquer physical pain as opposed to emotional pain. I like the replacement theory!

I've tried to spend the past few days thinking about all the blessings and good things in my life at the present moment. Focusing on right now is hard enough of a task in itself but filling my glass half full rather than draining it to half empty is also liberating. In the last three years what have I obtained rather than lost? I have some of the very best friends I've ever had in my life. It has to be said that I lost a few but I suppose you could call it a seperating of the men from the boys in this instance. My past relationship did not allow for time spent with my friends without his inclsion, so some of my former companions drifted away, some are already drifting back. Ironically, the very best of the newer group were really his at one time. I suppose we all shared a similar betrayal at the hands of his dishonesty. In the end, it has bound us together.

I am grateful for how I "feel" physically. The need to distract myself is what put me onto working out in the first place. In spite of all my mental and emotional backsliding, the momentum towards the physical has been steadfastly strong.

In spite of constant news of nonsense from 4000 miles away, I am grateful to be reminded, "there but by the grace of God go I." Thank God its not me! I am free of the lies and the deceit! His issues and problems are NOT MINE to be worried with anymore. Thank God again that those first pieces of hurtful information were indeed filtered my way, opening my eyes and knocking me off a path of stupidity!

I am grateful for the step children and step grandchildren, that will always be a cherished part of my life. I appreciate their candor and their solidarity. Though I truly mourn for their longing (much like my own) of a man who never existed outside of his own sham and illusion. My family hasn't gotten smaller, indeed its gotten larger and stronger with bonds that are not likely to be torn asunder by any force.

I am grateful for my own second chance. A luxury few are afforded in any one lifetime. A second chance to look at things with a new and more educated perspective. I've been given an opportunity to not only take back my stolen life force but to actually strengthen it. I always knew how to give, but now I understand about giving within boundaries. How to give endlessly but to also surround myself with people of like mind and heart. People who would give equally to me in my own need.

Where would I be in 5 years if things had not unfolded the way they did? Not a pretty picture, at all. My gratitude should grow with each passing moment and I hope that should I need a remeinder of this I can reflect back on these very words.

Harder is Better

Working out harder and harder seems to bring more and more peace. With the new bike in the mix, I've upped the anty. Things seem to be particularly difficult right now so I am changing the routine a bit. Tonite, I ran five and biked 6 miles. Its not the most I've done but it was a weeknight with work preceeding so it was substantial. Tomorrow is my half day from work so I plan to make it an intense work out day. Lately I've spent too much time obsessing on what is going on in other people's lives instead of obsessing on what is going on in my own. My focus shifted but its time to bring the lens back into perspective. Tomorrow morning will start off with some domestic responsibilities. I've cleaned off my plate to allow most of the afternoon for running, biking and martial arts class. I hope to have some time (and energy) left to do some work on the bag here at the house as well. My one indulgence will be a trip to the nail salon. Lol, funny, doesn't seem to fit in but its a needed distraction.

Now that I've knocked off a few 5k's and have a 10k in the near future, I'm tweeking the whole training plan. Might be time to think about the possibility of the holy grail...a triathalon. I've spent the last 9 months building myself up but the reality of it is that right now, my training plan isn't really "challenging" me. I meet all my current goals without pulling on extra resources and its time I start doing that again. Things have been tough for me emotionally this last month and instead of leaning on my workout therapy, I've been trudging through it. If the emotional pull is getting tougher, than I need to get stronger so that I can pull against it and away from it even.

I have so many wonderful things in my life. I have been finding it too easy to look back on the awful things I don't have in my life anymore and have actually had the gaul to long for them. Sick and twisted, very unhealthy. Time to focus on kicking my own ass FORWARD!!!

Looking Forward

Yesterday, I managed to turn out a five mile run and a 13.7 mile bike ride. Tonite will be martial arts and hopefully, more mileage in one fashion or another. I got a new bike at the end of Saturday's run. A new vehicle for moving forward. Sometimes, I think the secret is simply "movement." If you can manage to do nothing else, just keep moving, eventually, the scenery has to change. Seems a song written for me, by the All American Rejects, Move Along:

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking

When you fall everyone stands

Another day and you've had your fill of sinking

With the life held in yourHands are shaking cold

These hands are meant to holdSpeak to me,

when all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through

Move along

Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely

Could be a night when your life ends

Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving

All the pain held in yourHands are shaking cold

Your hands are mine to holdSpeak to me, when all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through

Move along

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along

Along, along, along

It Never Fails

It seems it never fails that when you are moving along smoothly and think things are going well, some small detail, jumps up and bites you in the ass. Yesterday was a great day, both great and challenging. The bike trail in Ocala was "advanced". Until yesterday, I didn't think there were any hills in this state, that is till I hit a bike trail that was uphill both ways for 10 miles! We had originally planned to do the 22 mile loop but having started in the rain and progressed along the first 5 mile portion, reaching speads of no greater than 2mph, we looped back closing out at 10 miles. A year ago, I couldn't have ridden the bike 5miles on the flat, let alone over rough country through the Forest. A year ago, I could'nt run a mile, now I run 30 a week. Even with all those accomplishments, I have to also recognize that a year ago, I believed things that brought me comfort, even though they weren't true. Last year I was weak on so many levels. I was weak emotionally, physically and perhaps even morally if I'm honest with myself. I am so much stronger now but the clinks in my armor seem so much weaker. True enough that I have overcome much but there are still the small things that seem to overcome me with too much ease. Getting stronger makes it hurt less, but it still hurts and no amount of strength I gain seems to eliminate that weakness. I am moving in a direction I want to go in. I am who I wanted to become. Why then, does the past and my foolishness travel along with me like a companion? I am so weary of climbing obstacles in my path. Especially considering they are obstacles cast in my way by someone elses future and not my own. When will I learn to navigate AROUND them instead of wearing myself out by trying to climb them?

Better Days

Today has been a good day. I know its no indication that all the days to come will be good, better or even the same but I do seem to be at the top of the hill today as opposed to the bottom. Maybe the most recent horrifying news from afar was actually a blessing in disguise. Doesn't really matter if it is/was true or not. As the truth unwinds itself, in more and more shocking and disgusting detail, it allows gratitude to overshadow betrayal. I find myself saying "Thank God" more and more often. For a while I had begun to think my Celtic knot totems were misplaced, that knots could NOT be endless and were indeed breakable. Now however, I am finding comfort in the endlessness of the truth when it finally comes to light and how it can be cruel and harsh but in the end is STILL more comforting than falsehood, and perhaps is its own continuous/endless trail. Further, maybe its truth and trust which must be endless to allow passion and love to be knotted into the mix, and not the other way around?

Work has been an endless knot this week and I look forward, for the first time in a while, to getting into the forest on the bike and checking out of responsibility for a while. I'll run in the morning, attend to what is absolutely necessary and head to the woods! As my physical realm grows stronger, so does my emotional.

The Dream

I saw a great quote today in the drive up window of a bank. It was on one of those little daily flip over calendars and it stuck with me all day. "The past is a ghost, the future a dream, all we really have is the present." Every day is an attempt to exorcise my ghosts. Put an end to the haunting. The only time I can truly believe I am in the present is when I run. Maybe theoretically, each step carries me farther from the past and closer to the future. I truly I wish I could take the "pill" and forget; wake up comfortably in my bed with no memory of my own stupidity or the sheltered lies I so easily believed. I suppose it brings another quote to mind, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it", maybe its "learn" I don't have the quote exactly by any stretch of the imagination. I know that I am running a hilly course, one with peaks and valleys. You would think 4000 miles would be enough to distance myself, but news always leaks through and though the nature of it often re-assures me that I am indeed lucky to be free of the past's sour taste, it rarely brings comfort. So I keep running.

Big Physical Day

Today is a hectic day on the workout front. I have 5 miles on the training calendar and martial arts tonite. If I am lucky, it will be raining for the run which will cool things off a bit. The martial arts is a "no skip" regardless of weather or mental state. Its the only place you can go and give all your best friends a bloody nose and they are proud of you for it. There aren't many women there but those of us who are present all have "issues" of one variety or another. I think in truth we show up twice a week for a true dose of physical pain, which is vastly better than the emotional pains we endure. Maybe we think it makes us stronger, maybe it does. What I do know is I happily line up for my share of minor injuries and go home considering that next week I will get better at defending myself. Maybe that is what our whole lives are about; getting better at defending ourselves.....

Wake Up Call

Ever wake up and consider the fact that your life is like walking through concrete all while you are lacing up your cinder block shoes? Worse still have you done it day after day, all the while telling yourself you intend to change it but never really getting beyond the half hearted stage? For three years I have been running the concrete marathon. The sad part is I didn't even know it until a month ago. Sadly, when the world crashed down and broke my shoes, it seemed, for a while to have broken my feet as well, disallowing movement of any kind. In half a moment, I realized that for three years my whole life had been based on lies. I lived with a man who probably never told me one true thing, and I believed every word of it!

Today I train for real marathons, not virtual or imagined ones. Sometimes I wonder if I am only running away from lies and deceit but I don't think it matters. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a distance runner and I won't try and lag back at a slower pace any longer. With every hill in my training, I grow stronger and the past grows smaller. This will be my place to embrace the hills. Sometimes they are damn hard to get over!

Welcome to the Blog in Process:)

I'm not sure what this is going to be! Right now it is the "relatively empty blog." In the future, I hope it will become inspirational, if for no one else but myself! It should, in theory chronicle where I've been, where I am and most importantly, what I'm becoming. I truly hope that will be something I am proud of in the months to come. I've been many things in my lifetime but it is my fondest wish that what I am journeying unto is the very best me I can be. The sum of all the harsh education I've accumulated, yet without all the harsh edges. I warn you, you will know sorrow, sadness, stupidity and bitterness here. I hope in time you will see those emotions dramatically overshadowed by sheer joy, happiness, wisdom and peace. I hope you will share your insights and wisdom with me to lighten the load I carry on my own journey. Welcome!