Morning Run

What in the world do people who don't run do with themselves when they have emotional energy to burn off? I was once one of those people but I have no clue how I kept from going insane (maybe I didn't lol). I've managed to act by doing nothing, which has been exceedingly difficult. I had a dream the other night which kind of re-focused things for me. I dreamed he came back into my life and for the first time I had to decide where to place the things that are in my life NOW. Things that didn't mesh with him. It was a slap in the face and an eye opener. The simple fact is that there is no place in my life for him anymore. Of course, people make room in their lives for significant others every day but he is no longer significant.

Friendship? Is that what he hoped to obtain from me? A friend is someone you trust, someone you believe in and who believes in you. Someone you can count on and know that they will be there for you no matter what. They are honest with you, even when honesty may hurt you. He is none of these things to me and never can be. Friendship is not a relationship open to us. His only motive could be based in either morbid curiosity or possibly some other revelation he feels the need to divulge. My life and its contents is no longer any business of his and I have no interest in any more "information" on the events taking place in his very messed up life. I am busy trying to organize my own demons, his problems are not mine. God knows I hear enough gossip to entertain even the most bizarre of tabloid readers. Frankly, he has no friends, only people who are entertained by his antics and enjoy the stupidity of them simply for their sheer assininity.

I got a morning run in. Not much of a morning person and all the mp3's were dead of charge so it was new on more than one level but well worth it. Martial arts left me a little sore in the upper body today and driving my legs was refreshing. Tonite I have some cross training planned with a friend. We tend to push each other beyond the limits and I am looking forward to it. I anticipate I will be quite sore tomorrow. I'm training for more than just races. I'm training for the fortitude to let go of things which I clung to with a vengence. Every day I let go of it a little more. One day I will let go of it completely and watch as it crashes mercilessly into the ravine, unsalvagable and forgotten. I look forward to the day when the only manner in which I can recall the feelings this has brought out in me is by re-reading the old posts on this blog. The day when I could read them, detached, and wonder how I could have ever been so low and thank God that I had the strength to rise.

The Trouble With Threes

The old saying trouble comes in threes sure seems to fit right now. It seems like everything I undertake as far as moving forward works in a cycle of three. I bounce, get stronger and get slapped again. I am constantly tested on my resolve. Every time that I move forward something is thrown in the way that makes me re-evaluate whether or not I've moved at all.

The silence was broken today. Only via a whipser, but the contact was made and the ball dropped in my court as to what to do next. Me being me, I almost always have something to say but is it productive? What is the point of venting all of this AGAIN? If I keep my mouth shut does it prove anything? Is that just a way of bottling things up that will bite me in the ass later? If I take the door, which is now knocked ajar and open it does it make me weak or will it bring me peace I've never gotten from this whole mess? I think not. I think it will only drag me backward again. Curiosity can be a dangerous thing and I think the test for me this week is to avoid giving in to that curiosity. Nothing positive can come from communication with a known liar and in my own foolishness, the one horrible consequence could actually be that I might be stupid enough to believe AGAIN. Not a risk I can afford to take.

My future cannot include people who cannot be trusted. There is no room in my present for them either. Each day, the best I can hope for, is for my final sumation of the days events to be actions and reactions which I am proud of. To have been a good friend. To have been a good Mom. I do not believe any feelings of value or self worth can come from communication with someone who has forced me to re-evaluate three years of actions and reactions I can NEVER be proud of. Perhaps, if I can climb this hurdle I can really move forward. My run awaits.....

Storms

I guess you have to weather a certain number of storms before you can recognize clarity. The week has taken a toll on me, but not for the reasons it has been wearing me down this last month. The toll is self inflicted. I've pushed myself up and over several major hurdles on my training schedule but not without some sacrifices. This evening I find myself weighing up the benefits against the price and evaluating where I am TODAY.

Physically, I'm drained but as always my mind rarely ceases to race. My run today was plagued by "letter writing." I prefer to get lost in my music on a long run, escape is the whole point but once in a while I find myself writing virtual letters in my mind. Purging thoughts or maybe even being so petty as to get the imaginary last word in. There was little point in fighting it so I wrote a good long one but for the first time I realized my tone had softened. Is this good? The bitterness was gone from this letter and instead it was one of acceptance. Have I really accepted that he is nothing more than what he is? Do I just FINALLY not care anymore or have I expended too much energy on my physical pursuits to revel in the pain? The desire to lash out, childish and counterproductive as it may have been, has been primary but now I don't seem to want to invest the energy in it.

I suppose the beauty of it, though I hate admitting it, is that I am learning. I see patterns now, his and mine. Inescapable patterns which could have lead nowhere else but to destruction. I cannot help but wonder if this was the best of possible ends to this scenario. Sick and distasteful though it may have been, a necessary evil none the less.

I'm checking out tonite. I pray for a deep and dreamless sleep as tomorrow, I have much on the agenda. If this week was exhausting, the one to come will be crippling.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Yesterday was brilliant! I managed a 5 mile run, 7 miles on the bike, got my lawn mowed and went to class. I was marginally sore today, mostly due to my efforts during class as opposed to the other endeavors but it was a "good sore." The kind that makes you feel like you've done something. It was good to roll out of bed and conquer physical pain as opposed to emotional pain. I like the replacement theory!

I've tried to spend the past few days thinking about all the blessings and good things in my life at the present moment. Focusing on right now is hard enough of a task in itself but filling my glass half full rather than draining it to half empty is also liberating. In the last three years what have I obtained rather than lost? I have some of the very best friends I've ever had in my life. It has to be said that I lost a few but I suppose you could call it a seperating of the men from the boys in this instance. My past relationship did not allow for time spent with my friends without his inclsion, so some of my former companions drifted away, some are already drifting back. Ironically, the very best of the newer group were really his at one time. I suppose we all shared a similar betrayal at the hands of his dishonesty. In the end, it has bound us together.

I am grateful for how I "feel" physically. The need to distract myself is what put me onto working out in the first place. In spite of all my mental and emotional backsliding, the momentum towards the physical has been steadfastly strong.

In spite of constant news of nonsense from 4000 miles away, I am grateful to be reminded, "there but by the grace of God go I." Thank God its not me! I am free of the lies and the deceit! His issues and problems are NOT MINE to be worried with anymore. Thank God again that those first pieces of hurtful information were indeed filtered my way, opening my eyes and knocking me off a path of stupidity!

I am grateful for the step children and step grandchildren, that will always be a cherished part of my life. I appreciate their candor and their solidarity. Though I truly mourn for their longing (much like my own) of a man who never existed outside of his own sham and illusion. My family hasn't gotten smaller, indeed its gotten larger and stronger with bonds that are not likely to be torn asunder by any force.

I am grateful for my own second chance. A luxury few are afforded in any one lifetime. A second chance to look at things with a new and more educated perspective. I've been given an opportunity to not only take back my stolen life force but to actually strengthen it. I always knew how to give, but now I understand about giving within boundaries. How to give endlessly but to also surround myself with people of like mind and heart. People who would give equally to me in my own need.

Where would I be in 5 years if things had not unfolded the way they did? Not a pretty picture, at all. My gratitude should grow with each passing moment and I hope that should I need a remeinder of this I can reflect back on these very words.