Pain Free?

I'm almost afraid to say it...I've been pain free since yesterday. I did a 3 mile Galloway run, and at some point later in the evening it dawned on me..."I can't feel the calf." I've been so used to the off and on irritation that it came as kind of a shock. I've been cross training like an animal, or a possessed Leprechaun (not my words!) and accepting the discomfort that it kind of escaped me at which point it stopped. I, of course, am now fighting the overwhelming desire to go out and pull a twenty miler but I know that isn't the sensible alternative. So today its Bikram yoga and another marathon on the bike.

Its my weekend away from the madness at work and yesterday was a frenzy of activity as I try to prepare for the trip, balance my fears, talk myself into some semblance of sensibility for training, and worry about relationships. I kind of wished (only for half a second) that I was back at work! On top of everything else, I have had to stare down some insecurities about the current man. Three weeks ago, I would have staked my life on his title of "The last honest man." Now I have to question whether my insecurities are really what is in question or whether his behavior really warrants some scrutiny?? I guess my baggage is getting heavy again and I have to wonder whether or not the damage done by his predecessor is permanent. Once I would have stood up for him without doubt, only to find out later that my judgement was severely askew, now I question if my judgement is worthy of any trust at all or instead if I am still burnt to the point where fresh scars are easily re-opened by my own relentless picking.

Karma? Signs? Am I not heeding all the signs or are all the difficulties merely obstacles designed to strengthen my resolve? I have entwined so much into this venture. Running this marathon in Scotland is a metaphor for my future and a victory over my past, or at least it has been in my head. Once I was an overweight realist who dreamed of vacationing in a foreign country. Now I am an athlete (not perfect by any stretch of the imagination) who will travel to my dreamed of destination to PROVE that the past cannot prevent me from moving forward with a vengeance. I knew I would have to overcome "myself." I didn't really account for all the other obstacles.
Volcano's, flight issues, injuries, money, insecurities I will have to leave behind and the difficulites of my travelling companions. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I guess I just didn't account for ALL the things that would make it so hard.

Like the 6 million dollar man...I've been rebuilt. I'm better, stronger and faster. BRING IT!