Tweaking

I've been re-reading old posts (and newer ones), adding and generally cluttering up the blog! My computer literacy compares to something close to "pidgeon English" so its gonna be a work in progress as I test, re-test and un-do! FEED THE FISH, lol!

Re-reading has shown me what a different emotional state I'm in these days and that is nothing but positive BUT the one common theme of late seems to be exhaustion. "I'm tired" appears in my posts much more than it should. I suppose its important to note, even from my own personal perspective and evaluate further.

Its beautiful here today! Time to get out and enjoy it!

Pain Free?

I'm almost afraid to say it...I've been pain free since yesterday. I did a 3 mile Galloway run, and at some point later in the evening it dawned on me..."I can't feel the calf." I've been so used to the off and on irritation that it came as kind of a shock. I've been cross training like an animal, or a possessed Leprechaun (not my words!) and accepting the discomfort that it kind of escaped me at which point it stopped. I, of course, am now fighting the overwhelming desire to go out and pull a twenty miler but I know that isn't the sensible alternative. So today its Bikram yoga and another marathon on the bike.

Its my weekend away from the madness at work and yesterday was a frenzy of activity as I try to prepare for the trip, balance my fears, talk myself into some semblance of sensibility for training, and worry about relationships. I kind of wished (only for half a second) that I was back at work! On top of everything else, I have had to stare down some insecurities about the current man. Three weeks ago, I would have staked my life on his title of "The last honest man." Now I have to question whether my insecurities are really what is in question or whether his behavior really warrants some scrutiny?? I guess my baggage is getting heavy again and I have to wonder whether or not the damage done by his predecessor is permanent. Once I would have stood up for him without doubt, only to find out later that my judgement was severely askew, now I question if my judgement is worthy of any trust at all or instead if I am still burnt to the point where fresh scars are easily re-opened by my own relentless picking.

Karma? Signs? Am I not heeding all the signs or are all the difficulties merely obstacles designed to strengthen my resolve? I have entwined so much into this venture. Running this marathon in Scotland is a metaphor for my future and a victory over my past, or at least it has been in my head. Once I was an overweight realist who dreamed of vacationing in a foreign country. Now I am an athlete (not perfect by any stretch of the imagination) who will travel to my dreamed of destination to PROVE that the past cannot prevent me from moving forward with a vengeance. I knew I would have to overcome "myself." I didn't really account for all the other obstacles.
Volcano's, flight issues, injuries, money, insecurities I will have to leave behind and the difficulites of my travelling companions. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I guess I just didn't account for ALL the things that would make it so hard.

Like the 6 million dollar man...I've been rebuilt. I'm better, stronger and faster. BRING IT!

Rest Day

Taking a rest day today felt more like being a slug. That's the fear setting in. As though hurrying to train could make it happen any faster. It seems many of the forum participants are equally injured and if calf injuries could be catching then we are in the midst of an epidemic. Maybe its the insanity of work or the fact that I am on the threshold of "clinch time" but for some reason I feel strangley detached. Rest days aren't good for my head. I don't think rest days were intended to entail an utter collapse but that is where I am tonite.

Tired

I am seriously, deeply and utterly tired. Timing is never good, so naturally work would be insane right now. Hit the door (late home) and did not pass go. I changed clothes immediately, grabbed a water and the MP3 and headed to the gym. I'm off the calf so I did a marathon on the eliptical...oh joy :/. I suppose I should be more enthusiastic, at least it doesn't hurt my calf but I truly believe the machine itself was made by some kind of anti-elves whose intention was to create something that would "sap the joy and energy out of you." It doesn't feel like working out...it feels like drainage! Guess my testimonial won't be considered for the eliptical ad campaign.

I'm still moving forward...I'm just dragging the foundation of a demolished building along with me! Night all!

Reconfigure

Its time to re-structure the goals. There was once a time goal on this effort. Now, I just want to finish in one piece, ahead of the time limit, which may well be a stretch. I did 6 and 1/2 miles today. Tempratures were up to typical Florida standards for a change and I was eager to run in the more "sweltering" heat I'm used to. The heat felt strangely good; the calf, not so much. Pain the first quarter mile so it was a galloway run. Trying to decide whether or not this is the kind of pain you have to work through or if it needs to be heeded is the quandry. Midway I got "used" to it but I am not sure that is a good thing. Ice and heat are againg my best friends closely accompanied by disappointment. The overal time was quite embarrasing.

I'm going to have to stay off of it another week, time I can't afford to waste. Cross training (hated these days but necesary) will have to step up another notch while I continue to nurse the calf praying for the speed to finish. 15 minite mile minimum. This is possible in the immediate short distances, even considering the calf pain, however, I just won't know what to expect in later miles and I'm scared.

No sense denying. I'm off to lay out the plan for the week.